So, this month, I’m participating in #AcWriMo (although the book I’m writing/editing isn’t really academic). I was lamenting the fact that I’m a terrible editor on Twitter, and found out about ScholarShapes’ #AcWriMo2k18 daily reflections. So here we are. Not wanting to put them on my main blog or spam my tinyletter subscribers, and wanting to do more than just tweet, I decided, heck, sure another subdomain, another WordPress install, why not.
And maybe I’ll make this an annual thing. Who knows.
So, the first pre-reflection was to think about the energy we feel around the project we’re taking on this month.
Oh man, where to start.
The plan for this month was to edit my memoir. And then I got a reader report back for my Bad Female Academic manuscript that I thought I was done with. Apparently not. I happened to get the feedback on the same day I spent the whole afternoon in urgent care to get my ankle X-rayed to make sure that it wasn’t broken. I hadn’t, although my pride was certainly bruised from spraining my ankle while walking. Needless to say that I wasn’t in the best headspace to hear the feedback.
I also have ADHD, which manifests itself in me as server impulse control. I mean, there are a ton of other ways the ADHD manifests itself, but in this case, the impulse control issue was combining with my rejection sensitivity dysphoria in very powerful ways. Ways that made me take the feedback harder than I should. Ways that made me write an angry/sad email. Ways that engaged my stubborn side.
I am committed to this manuscript and damn it, I am going to get it published even if it kills me.
I’m not sure that’s the kind of energy I should be bringing to this. Stubborn, frustration-fueled energy. I mean, it’s good insofar as it is more powerful than the “OMG this will never be good enough so why even bother” energy, the despondent energy that leads to too many projects being abandoned. But, is it the right energy to make the changes that need to be made?
Like I even understand what those changes are.
Anyway, I’m hoping these reflections will work to focus my energies in more positive ways than they currently are. I have the energy, the drive, the desire to get this DONE, not just because I want to get it done so I can move on to one of the next (counts) four projects I have, but also because this really means something to me, and I want to get it right. I want to get it done because I believe in this book, and I believe that it can make a difference.
Let November begin.